Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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