walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I need a beard to bite.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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