i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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