im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
