i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
