she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
