im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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