god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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