Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
