well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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