I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
