you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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