my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
