Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
