Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
