I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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