I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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