If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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