3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
