nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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