Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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