I wish my penis had an off switch
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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