omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
