260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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