How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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