You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
