I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
