apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I need moral support for this bender
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
