At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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