I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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