All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
