I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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