I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
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I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
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