I didn't shave. On purpose
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
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Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
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Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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