she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
