My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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