I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I intend to get homeless drunk
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
