By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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