it hurts more in the daytime
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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