hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
