How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
