I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
