No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
