omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He passed out mid-signature
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
