So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
