Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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