I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Is it because I queefed?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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