I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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