Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
