god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
