Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
