I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
