I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
