Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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