Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Randomize
