Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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