Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
