You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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