the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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