i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
