This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
