That's intense
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
