I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
