I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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